Friday, November 5, 2010

Letters to Shiloh - the anatomy of loss

Forks stab through soft flesh at plates, wine stains lips…

The dinner conversation lulls. I invite you in. Bursting in my mind, you are up to your mischief, a perfect story for the crowd.

You dance behind my eyes, and flirt with the room. You are alive in my animation.
I recall your stubborn beauty, the countenance with which you revered no one and the world at once. You tell us all with such charisma what defines you.

Your brother hears you and he lights up. Ever so briefly. But then he resumes chewing. Eyes cast downward. He is worried about me. Worried that you might spill out and push over my glass of wine. Splattering red like a crime scene across the white expanse of the table.

The other guests are nervous. I want them to love your antics but they wonder at the mother. A woman who could unhinge in the whirlwind of what they think is a memory.

Everyone feels trapped. By your beauty and my sorrow that bubbles underneath.

You aren’t at the table and I am the only one who doesn’t know it. Cannot see the dust reflecting in the light where you would have peeked up from underneath. Your brown hand, soft, warm, quick is not pulling at the tablecloth, toppling the fragile china. There is no reprimand for you. Only a fleeting pity for the mother.

A woman who knows a crushing void that cannot be filled by dinner conversation or the best Shiraz. A woman who lies so still in the night, straining to hear your voice in the still counterexistence of darkness.

You have not quieted in your absence. Still playing with me – dragging me to the point of tears with ease, triggered by one line from your favourite song on the radio.

Your crimson spirit so sharp, so elusive you make me crave the fiery child you were, and the boundless essence you will always be.

But for now there is dessert to serve and I must reassure the guests. I have to let go of the kite strings for now. I slump slightly in my chair, my excitement abated. The conversation resumes and turns swiftly back to the weather.

Art piece from Strange Skeletons Abstract Art, piece called Overwhelming Grief
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deb said...

heart wrenching , haunting,
yet beautiful.

cannot imagine your grief

Anonymous said...

Shiloh is more alive than ever your heart and in your mind. He was never lost. I cannot imagine your grief. May God grant you peace.

charlie said...

I love the art piece, I thought it was stained glass at first, beautiful.

The pale observer said...

Thanks Deb - by the way, I've been reading and loving your blog.

The pale observer said...

Thanks Anon - do I know you? I feel I do!

Charlie - agreed about the art piece! Such colour and emotion. See the website for more...

Ghana_Hall_of_Shame said...


Miss Footloose said...

Beautiful writing, Holli, but a piece you wish you'd ever had to write.

Miss Footloose said...

..NEVER had to write.

deb said...

I am honoured. I rarely check the sitemeter thingy, so thanks for letting me know.

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